We Brought Flashlights to the Funeral

We brought flashlights to the funeral.

Shielding children from death is what we all want, but that’s not how the real world works.

I was forced to hurt my kids the day their dad was found dead. It was the absolute hardest sentence I’ve ever uttered.

But one sentence is not enough. Explaining death means going into painful details that even adults want to avoid. We would go on to have a lot of difficult conversations.

As I kneeled at my babies’ level in the funeral home, the following day, God illuminated how to illustrate death.

“You know those cicada bugs you’ve all been collecting this summer?” “Yes, Mommy.” “Well, on the other side of this door is your daddy. He’s lying down in a box. But it’s like those cicadas; it’s only the shell. The animal, the important part of the living being, is gone. That is what we are going to see…Daddy’s shell. It is his body, but his soul is in heaven.” I myself will never comprehend being simultaneously here and gone.

Walking 4 little boys to a casket is everything you think it is.

Silence.

I watched our 4 innocent sons silently grapple with death. Helpless shock. Bottomless sorrow. Relentless pain.

God, be near. Help.

“You can touch him if you want. You can talk to him if you want.”

Little Joshua cautiously reached for Daddy’s hand, squeezing his finger then looking at his face to see if he’d flinch. Perhaps this moment cemented reality.

I was inwardly disintegrating.

“Where are Daddy’s legs?” “What a good question. They’re still there, but half of this box is covering his legs.”

And this is why we brought flashlights to Aaron’s funeral. We wanted to make sure they could see Daddy’s legs.

His funeral was 13 years ago today.

And I’ve cried while typing every one of these words.

This week I texted these 4 amazing young men that Aaron never got to see grow up:

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you have had to endure such pain at such a young age. If I could’ve spared you from this, I would have. I love each one of you and proud of who you are. I’m forever grateful you will be with your dad forever in paradise.”

Paul replied, “Thank you for the kind words mom and we love you! Amen, what a glorious forever it will be.”

“O for Grace to trust Him more.”