The 86% Marriage Secret

I have laid my head on a chest that was silent.  Unmoving.  Lifeless. Cold. There are no more tomorrows with Aaron.

It doesn’t have to be a catastrophic event that serves as a wakeup call to change your perspective. 

Even at this moment you can assess the fault lines in your marriage.

If your marriage is struggling, picture them no longer alive.  I know this is awful to consider. But do it anyway.  You must tell your kids, write the obituary, see your spouse in a casket…how do those issues stack up now?  It’s not easy, but relationships don’t have to stay stuck.

Dr John Gottman is a relationship expert whose groundbreaking research answered the question: What separates relationship masters from relationship disasters. 

It was not the depth of intimacy in conversation that mattered.  It didn’t even seem to matter whether couples agree or disagree. 

It was how couples pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing. 

He found successful couples are attentive.  They listen; they put their phones down.  They constantly make AND accept bids for connection, affection, attention, or affirmation. Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. 

Here are some examples of bids.  Look at that bird outside. I had such a stressful meeting today. Can you pass the water?  Do you like this shirt? Reaching out to hold hands.  Laughing out loud while reading something. Sighing when looking at bills. 

Turning toward means acknowledging the bid with interest, a smile, or a supportive comment.  The opposite would be ignoring the bid, staring at the phone, giving a flat uh-huh, or responding with hostility, defensiveness, or sarcasm.

Gottman discovered that how a couple responds to these daily, seemingly trivial moments is the single greatest predictor of whether a marriage will succeed or end in divorce. 

Couples who stayed together turn toward each other 86% of the time, while those who later divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time.

Bid often.  Master the art of tiny movement.  Reach out to show you care. Send a good luck message before a meeting.  Leave an encouraging note on the fridge.  Kiss your partner for at least 6 seconds when they walk through the door. Short. Simple. Powerful. 

By the way, you can get Gottman’s book “The Relationship Cure” or go to his website for resources.