My Son Doesn't Believe in God.

My son doesn't believe in God.

That's a really tough thing to share with the world. While I try to protect certain things about my children, this I refuse to keep secret.

One of my biggest fears used to be losing my husband. In 2012, fear became reality when my husband died unexpectedly.

I have to come to grips with the potential of my son never believing in the Lord.

Envisioning my son in hell forever may seem dramatic, but it is his current trajectory. It's why my knees stay dry . . . I spend time pleading with the Father to be at work in my son's heart. I ask the Lord to do whatever it takes for my son to become a follower. Bring him hardship in any form, God. Just please protect his life until he is sold out to You. Though the Almighty does not need my permission, I fully surrender my child to the One who loves him even more.

God, keep him dissatisfied.

God, allow hardships.

God, bring trials.

May his life be void of purpose and value without salvation. May his heart ache as he endures the pain of this secular world. May his days be empty until he trusts you.

As a mother, I want to guard him from trials. Yet I have a grander calling of sharing Christ so he may begin a relationship with his Maker. Lord, Your will be done.

When my son faced consequences a couple of years ago, I sat him down and said, "Did you know that you are THE most important person in this house? Did you know that? While I love my husband and all of my sons, and never want anyone (else) to die, I can have peace knowing they are heaven-bound. But you, son, heaven is not your current destination. And so I diligently pray for you to believe God is real, and God is worth it."

God, be glorified.

God, be magnified.

God, be praised.

My trust in Jesus continues to be stretched. I must fully rely on Him to work in His ways and in His time. I want so badly to rush Jesus, to force His hand, to manipulate circumstances. I want to shake my sweet son and scream, "Don't you get it? Don't you know how horrible hell will be? Can't you see that God is real and good?"

"____, do you know what will happen to you if you die?" I've asked this more than once. "I will go to hell." It's a dagger to my heart. Because I have never doubted God. Because I have experienced God. Because I have a deep devotion to reading His Word and crying out to Him regularly.

My husband often reassures me that God is in control. I am not the spinner of this planet. He reminds me that my son's salvation must be his own. It cannot be manufactured or handed down. The scales falling from his eyes must be an authentic moment. Jason tells me to be steadfast in hope. Let the Holy Spirit work.

Lord, refine me and equip me. Provide me with wisdom. Help me stay obedient so that I honor you. I love my son so deeply. I want him to bow down in full surrender. His life is empty and meaningless without You. May the current destiny of eternal torment radically reverse quickly, Father. May his future testimony bring You all the honor.

IMPORTANT UPDATE HERE!